While sex is omnipresent in our society, there is often a complete calm in your own bedroom.

Today no schoolchildren can buy sweets at the kiosk without staring at bare-chested beauties, there is a lull in bedrooms. Sex takes place everywhere: on the street, on TV, on the Internet – just not at home. Scantily clad models adorn all kinds of advertisements. 

. We almost only notice nude and sex scenes in films when they are missing – and “Shades of Gray” is not read secretly, but proudly. “While the growing public pleasure takes on more and more bizarre forms, the private pleasure shrinks in pairs,”

It is the media that massively support us in raising our expectations – after all, we are surrounded by perfect sex every day. ”That’s right. We will never look as sharp and wild as the women laughing off billboards. Of course, this also applies to men – the attractiveness factor of the high-gloss models is worlds apart from that of their own guys. 

In addition: “In long-term relationships there is always a conflict between intimacy and eroticism, which makes things even more difficult,” says Heyne. “Too much intimacy and closeness are erotic killers par excellence. Erotic lives from strangeness, tension, from obstacles. A long-term relationship, on the other hand, lives from intimacy, familiarity and harmony. Wanting to preserve both at the same time is equivalent to squaring the circle. ”

“Now you have to say very clearly that there were no lifelong partnerships planned for us from Mother Nature,” says the psychologist – and adds: “Especially not those in which there is only so much tingling with sex. Evolution would be quite happy if we, as a couple, only ensured that the next generation was out of the worst before we went our separate ways. “So we are not programmed to have permanent sex happiness. 

Stress in the job or family stress also cause the relationship to deteriorate over time on its own – we don’t have to do anything about that. But that doesn’t mean throwing the towel in the ring and saying goodbye to a long and fulfilling love life forever. 

What helps? Positive illusions and a deliberately benevolent view of the partner. The American relationship researcher John Gottman showed in an investigation that dissatisfied couples eventually take off their pink glasses and instead see each other through a jet black until in retrospect they themselves rate their happy starting time and even their first rendezvous very negatively. How sad!